


Legends of the Wasteland Episode 23: The Jacobstown Massacre

by Dan_Francisco



Category: Fallout: New Vegas
Genre: Action, Gen, Humor, One Shot, Podcast-style Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-11-06 15:15:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17942111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dan_Francisco/pseuds/Dan_Francisco
Summary: On this episode of Legends of the Wasteland, Mark and Jeremy discuss the Jacobstown Massacre in 2281. Original publish date 4/15/2394.





	Legends of the Wasteland Episode 23: The Jacobstown Massacre

Mark: Today on _Legends of the Wasteland,_ a Mojave Express courier, on her path to dictatorship, destroys a peaceful community of Super Mutants.

 

_Intro music plays_

 

M: Hi everyone, and welcome to _Legends of the Wasteland,_ I'm Mark Dalton…

 

Jeremy: And I'm Jeremy Jacobs…

 

M: And today, _wow,_ we have a wild one, Jeremy, we really do. I mean, this kind of shit really just… surprises the hell out of me, you know? Every day we do this show, I think “there's no possible way it could get worse.”

 

J: Right.

 

M: But no! I thought the Enclave oil rig was bad, but Jesus, this is a whole other level. It's like comparing a Brotherhood knight to… I dunno…

 

J: A Ghoul with a shotgun.

 

M: Yes, basically, thank you. Anyway, just a reminder for those new to the show, we talk about some pretty fuckin' horrible things on here, but the good news is most of this stuff happened about a hundred years ago, so none of these maniacs are hanging around to actually do a damn thing to us.

 

J: Unless they're a Ghoul.

 

M: Yeah, most of the Ghouls are still kicking, as far as I know, anyway. I don't think they listen to this show much, though. I-I don't have the demographics on that.

 

J: Do we even collect that kind of thing? I just thought we took people's money when they wanted to donate to the show.

 

M: Well, yes, we do that, but hey, maybe one of these days we'll hand out a form or something, you know, basic questions like “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much of a Super Mutant are you?”, “How long have you lived?” with checkmarks for like, I dunno, 100-400 years old or something.

 

J: Yeah, gotta have that Ghoul representation, you know. People get mad if you don't do that. Though, you could probably just put “Have you ever seen a nuclear bomb explode in your lifetime?” and that might get you all you need.

 

M: I-I think you're getting ahead of yourself with that one, Jeremy, that's another episode, which, coincidentally, is also about who we're talking about today! But, back to the disclaimer, we talk about horrible things, most of it is history, but also, we make jokes about it, we're comedians, it's not like we can do much else about this crapsack world we live in, so why not laugh at it, right? Uh, if you're one of those folk who think that history and humor don't go together, well, you should probably turn your radio off here and go about your merry way, we had a nice time, but it just won't work out. But, if you think that's good enough and still want to hang around, then let's get right to it, shall we?

 

J: Yeah, let's get to this madness.

 

M: So, today we travel to the Mojave, you remember the Mojave, right?

 

J: Yup, nice place to be if you wanted to avoid radiation.

 

M: Mhm. Now, our story today is about a certain Mojave Express courier, I'm sure most of us have a passing knowledge of her, but for those of us who _don't_ , I'm talking about the Terror of the Mojave herself, Suka. Suka's an interesting character – she appears at the Mojave Express one day, barely speaks any English, bloody rifle in her hand, asks for a job.

 

J: Good first impression.

 

M: Right. Well, these folks at the Mojave Express look her over and go, “Well, either she just killed like five or eight dudes or she got into a fight with a Deathclaw, either way she looks she can handle herself, so here, kindly take this package to Nipton and fuck off, thanks. We-We'll pay you when you get back here.”

 

J: Man, it really was just Wild fucking West out there back then, wasn't it?

 

M: Yeah, remember, this isn't 2390 here, this is 2270's Mojave we're talking about. The NCR's setting up shop, and the Legion's making noise across the river, but they're not everywhere. NCR has its own issues with the Brotherhood of Steel here in the Mojave, so they're probably not too concerned with the rest of the place.

 

J: There were still a lot of Viper raids back then, right?

 

M: Oh, fuckin' Vipers, there's Great Khans, Jackals, Fiends, Super Mutants, t-take your fucking pick! Who do you want to be raided by today?

 

J: _[laughs]_ It's like a fuckin' buffet.

 

M: Exactly! It's a tough as hell life out here in the Mojave, especially if you're a caravaner. Doubly so if you're a Mojave Express courier. Well, the Mojave Express was right about Suka, she was a tough bitch. I mean that literally – I found a note from a terminal that literally says, and quote, “The new hire is a tough bitch.”

 

J: You sure they're talking about Suka here?

 

M: Oh, yeah, she was the only new hire for that month. So, anyway, Suka works for the Mojave Express for a few years, she's pretty good at her job. Customers say every time she delivers something, it doesn't matter what the fuck stands in her way, she's getting it to them. Customers love her, she's good at her job, she comes in and takes the package, two weeks later it's wherever the fuck you want it, she's amazing.

 

J: What was the going rate for deliveries at that time, anyway? Wasn't it about 200 or something caps per delivery?

 

M: Well, it depends on what you were taking. Notes, letters, that sort of thing, maybe about 100 to 150 caps, tops. Bigger stuff, like weapons or supplies, probably upwards of 300. But what starts Suka's story and turns it into a _really_ interesting one is when she takes a delivery for Mr. House. We've covered Mr. House on this show before, but for those of you new to the Mojave, Mr. House is New Vegas's _big boss,_ like, he's the kind of guy you don't fuck with. Old money, that sort of deal.

 

J: So fuckin' old he could have made the money himself.

 

M: Yeah, pretty much. So, Suka takes on a delivery for Mr. House, delivering a Platinum Chip. On her way from the Mojave Express to Mr. House in New Vegas, Suka makes a stop in a town called Goodsprings. Goodsprings is this tiny little town out in the middle of fucking nowhere, not even the _raiders_ pay attention to it, it's so far out.

 

J: That's how you _know_ you're isolated, the raiders take one look and go “Man, this place sucks, I'm goin' back to my hole in the ground.”

 

M: _[laughs]_ Right. So, Suka stops in Goodsprings, gets ambushed by a gentleman named Benny. Now, Benny's a hotshot from New Vegas, a casino Chairman – that's literal, people, his tribe was called the Chairmen – and with him are two Great Khans. They lure Suka to the graveyard, knock her out, tie her up, and Benny takes the Platinum Chip from her and _shoots her in the head!_

 

J: My Christ. What the fuck? I thought you said this story was about her?

 

M: It is, because wouldn't you fuckin' know it, some Goodsprings Samaritan was watching and dragged her body to the local doctor. He performs surgery on her, and she's back to where she was before, can't speak any fucking English. So the doctor – named Doc Mitchell, by the way – figures he can't do much else and thinks she's lost her mind. Her vigor tests came out as normal for someone who's just been shot in the fucking head, so he decides to send her on her merry way.

 

J: You're kidding. What the fuck? OK, hold on, I want to fucking know. How the _fuck_ did she survive being shot in the _goddamn_ head?

 

M: So, this is a bit shaky, because I couldn't confirm this. There's references in terminals I found that talk about her having a grazing wound to her head, so I don't think she lost any brain cells. Not many important ones, anyway. I think what happened was the bullet hitting her head just knocked her the fuck out and Benny thought she was dead for good, which really tells you how good of a shot Benny is.

 

J: “Well, fuck, she's bleeding, must mean she's dead, right?” Christ Almighty. So, what's she do? Does she remember anything?

 

M: Oh, she remembers damn near everything. She knows full-well who the fuck shot her in the head, and now that she doesn't have her package, she's pissed off. Suka figures she might need some backup to take on this guy, and heads to the Mojave Outpost, which is an NCR outpost for regulating trade in and out of the Mojave. This is about 2281 now, the First Battle of Hoover Dam has happened and both sides are itching for another fight. The NCR has locked any caravans from getting out, because the Legion is raiding the Long 15 near daily. Suka travels here, and recruits someone named Rose of Sharon Cassidy. Now, let's talk about Rose of Sharon Cassidy, shall we?

 

J: Let's, please.

 

M: So, Rose of Sharon Cassidy, more commonly known as just Cass or Cassidy, owns the Cassidy Caravan company. Note, she _is_ the daughter of John Cassidy, we talked about him, uh, three or four weeks ago, was it?

 

J: Yeah, that was last month.

 

M: So, Cass here has a rough life here. Her dad left her when she was still pretty young, leaving her with just a name, a rose pendant and some good fucking shooting skills. She's not having a great time, what between, well, living in the Mojave for the past couple years and terrible, terrible records with her caravans. I have some old records here, and they show that most of her caravans are getting hit by raiders and losing so much merchandise that over _half_ of these caravans _lose money_ by the time they arrive.

 

J: That's gotta be rough.

 

M: Yup. So, by the time Suka wanders around, Cass is thinking about getting out of the caravan business. Witness reports say she and Cass drank together in the bar, and the next day they left. The pair head right to New Vegas, where in the Tops Casino, they confront and fucking murder Benny.

 

J: As they should.

 

M: Right. But Jeremy, I did say this was about Jacobstown, right? At the beginning?

 

J: You did. Do we get to talk about Jacobstown now?

 

M: We sure as hell do, Jeremy. Jacobstown is a nice, peaceful town populated entirely by… Super Mutants.

 

J: Really?

 

M: Yup. Jacobstown is a small community located in a little alpine lodge, and most people didn't care about it because it was relatively remote and didn't have much in the way of salvage. In 2261, a group of nightkin and Super Mutants led by a Marcus, who's a Super Mutant himself, settles here and they build a nice community for themselves. Unfortunately, not all is well. Two nightkin – remember, the nightkin suffer from a wide variety of insanity – break off and take whoever listens to them with them. One goes to the REPCONN facility to find stealth boys, the other, named Tabitha, goes to Black Mountain and broadcasts her shit there.

 

J: So, standard Nightkin stuff. “Well, I don't like the color red, so I'm fuckin' out of here!”

 

M: Yes, pretty much. During this entire time, the mayor, Marcus, enlists the help of an old doctor and his Ghoul assistant to help find a cure for the nightkin's insanity. They've been working for _years_ without any progress.

 

J: Well, that was with some really uncooperative patients, right? Like, I've met nightkin before and they don't even like to be _looked_ at. I can't imagine some human doctor wanting to examine them being a good way to start shit off.

 

M: No, and you're right, the surviving Jacobstown records say that though the doctors worked pretty hard, they just couldn't make much progress. Every theory turned out to be wrong, they weren't getting anywhere, and the nightkin were just getting more and more pissed off every day.

 

J: Well, shit, no fucking wonder! “Hey, we wanna look at you all the goddamn time and see if we can't fix you. Oh, yeah, we know you don't think anything's wrong but just trust us, I promise!”

 

M: Yeah. So, this is how Jacobstown is when Suka walks in. Suka's never been here before, none of her clients ever went to Jacobstown because most of the surrounding folk think it's unsafe, they hate Super Mutants.

 

J: Wasn't there a lot of paranoia around Super Mutants back then in the Mojave? Like, all of them were just heartless bastards who wanted to eat and kill you?

 

M: Right, that was the stereotype out there for a long time – even today, a little, the East Coast Super Mutants haven't helped that any. So, again, this is what Suka walks into, and she offers to help out, and fuck me, help out she does.

 

J: So, hold up, how does Cass play into this again?

 

M: Cass has been traveling with Suka to this point, helped her kill Benny. She's kind of acted as the cooler head of the two. Um, one of the reports I read from the Chairmen said that she defused a situation between Suka and the front manager when he asked them to turn over their weapons, and Suka said, in a nutshell, “How about fuck no, and if you try I'll fucking shoot you”.

 

J: Has Suka always been like that, you reckon?

 

M: No, and I think this might be a result of being shot in the goddamn head. After she's shot, a lot of people she encounters note that she's very violent, prone to shooting first and asking questions later, all that sort of thing. Not a nice person to be around. So, back to Jacobstown, Suka is helping out with their research by going into a cave and killing a fuckton of Nightstalkers, brings something back to them and says “Yeah, found this, probably does something, fuck if I know.” The doctors do figure out that whatever the Nightstalkers were doing probably leads to nightkin insanity, and use a Stealth Boy prototype on the local grandma. Once they _do_ that, however, the nightkin come busting in and demand it, so they can go out and raid shit.

 

J: Oh, come the fuck on.

 

M: It gets worse. The doctors recalled later that the nightkin's leader and Suka exchanged words, he calls her a stupid human, and Suka immediately takes out her rifle and fucking shoots him in the face, and a firefight breaks out. The nightkin are killed, almost instantly.

 

J: I'm guessing Suka doesn't like being called stupid.

 

M: No, not at all. She takes rather large offense to that. Where you and I would say “Hey, that's a little rude,” Suka's a bit more towards “Man, your brain would look lovely on that wall. Who's stupid now, fuckface?” So anyway, Suka reloads, and then goes outside with her rifle in hand.

 

J: Oh no.

 

M: Oh yes. She starts killing fucking _everyone._ She spares Cass and the doctors, thank Christ, but every Super Mutant there is dying. According to a book Cass wrote later, Suka ran out of ammo halfway through and resorted to using a bayonet on her rifle to kill the rest.

 

J: So she's fucking tangoing with Super Mutants?

 

M: Yup, you're right, Jeremy, Suka is out here doing a dainty little jig with Super Mutants and stabbing each one as many times as she can. And you know Super Mutants, they don't go down easily.

 

J: Well, fuck, if all she's got is a bayonet, she's gotta be like, just stabbing the fuck out of these guys! Fu-fucking Super Mutants must be looking at her like “What the fuck, is she trying to tenderize me or something?”

 

M: _[laughs]_ Yeah, it's fucking ridiculous. “Hmm, she seems rather upset about something.”

 

J: “Oh, yes, that blue idiot called her stupid.” _[laughs]_

 

M: _[laughs]_ “Ah, of course. Classic Super Bob.” _[laughs]_ So, anyway, Suka has killed literally everyone at this point. She is standing here in the middle of a blood-soaked field, even kills the fucking grandma, how fucking cruel is that?

 

J: Jesus. Did the grandma Super Mutant do anything?

 

M: Uh, Cass doesn't say, but she thinks it might have been yelling about its grandkids? I don't know, but it's pretty sad to think about. Having a nutcase like Suka stab the shit out of you, and you think it's your grandkid trying to kill you? That's gotta be rough.

 

J: “Sweetie, uh, sweetie, stop fucking stabbing grandma, please, save that for your next meal.”

 

M: _[laughs]_ So, anyway, Cass ventures out to talk to Suka, you know, politely asks her “What the fuck are you doing?” and all Suka says to her is, and this is a direct quote: “Mutants should not be suffered to live.”

 

J: Jesus Christ, how fucking cold-blooded is that.

 

M: Yeah. Suka's not much of a people person.

 

J: Oh, no, she's a people person, she just wants to, you know…

 

M: Fucking stab them twenty times, yeah. _[laughs]_ I see what you're saying. Well, Suka and Cass have their conversation, in her book Cass says this was Suka's last chance to shape up or she'd leave.

 

J: Fucking _what?!?_

 

M: Yeah, I know. She said this was her second warning to Suka.

 

J: What the fuck was the first warning? “Hey, Suka, I know you just ate these babies, and that's kinda fucked up, maybe stop being a terrible human, okay?” I mean… _what?_ What does she have to do for her to leave permanently?

 

M: I don't know, I just – I don't know, Jeremy.

 

J: “You know, I'm starting to have doubts about this whole 'killing Super Mutants' business.”

 

M: _[laughs]_ Suka just turns to her one day and goes, “Are we the baddies?”

 

J: _[laughs]_

 

M: _[laughs]_ So, uh, anyway, Suka promises to be better, and they go on their merry way, leaving Jacobstown completely demolished. I can't find any other references to Jacobstown after this, and as far as I know, even today it's just completely uninhabited. Nobody's been back there since.

 

J: Well, yeah, who the fuck _would_ want to go back? There's probably Super Mutant ghosts out the ass there.

 

M: _[laughs]_ Right. So, Jacobstown is now Ghost Town, because nobody's going back, Suka later on forbids anyone from even talking about it. The only reason we know it ever existed is because you can go there today and see the bones that Suka left behind there. You can see the sign that says Jacobstown right there. And, of course, these historical references that Cass and other terminals have brought us.

 

J: Jesus. Do we know why Suka just wiped that place the fuck out?

 

M: Um, yeah, Cass talks about this a little. When she took control of New Vegas – and that's an episode all its own, so don't worry, we're not glossing over it for no reason here – she began a campaign to wipe our _all_ Super Mutants and Ghouls from the Mojave. Nothing. Nobody. There's only one Ghoul left alive, and that's Suka's bodyguard Raul.

 

J: And we've got an episode on him in the works too, right?

 

M: Yes. Jesus, just… how fucking horrible, you know? Fucking wipes out an entire community for no reason. What the fuck. This is what I was talking about before the show, how every time we do this show, I just _can't_ think it gets any worse and then someone like Suka comes along and proves me wrong.

 

J: Maybe you should be more like me and just expect the absolute worst out of people. S'how I get along.

 

M: OK, well, but we're not walking around thinking “Boy, I sure do fucking hate Super Mutants, I'll go kill some today!” That's Wild West shit like Suka was doing. You can't do that kind of shit there now, not here, not much of anywhere. There's _rules_ to it.

 

J: There weren't _any_ back then.

 

M: Right, but still. My God. Well, anyway, folks, that's all the time we have for today, so thank you for coming along with us on this wild, wild fucking trip, uh, next week we've got some fun stuff planned.

 

J: Yup. If you wanna help us out a little, send us a donation, just find a courier who won't fucking shoot us like Suka and ship us something, every little bit helps. If you feel like sending us more than 400 caps, we'll give you a special little shoutout on our show, just as a thank-you.

 

M: Mhm. Once again, this has been _Legends of the Wasteland,_ I'm Mark Dalton…

 

J: And I'm Jeremy Jacobs…

 

M: We'll see you next time. Have an excellent day, folks.

 

_Outro music plays._


End file.
